Students on Edge as Haverford Confronts Canada Geese Crisis

 

 

FOUNDERS HALL—Tensions among students, administrators, and geese reached a boiling point last week after parties again failed to reach consensus on how to resolve a campus-wide avian emergency.

At an emotionally-wrought community forum in Founders Hall, Haverfordians demanded that the skyrocketing Canada Geese population be brought under control.

“It’s ridiculous,” said Amanda Artugan ‘16. “You can’t just come to someone’s college and crap all over it.”

Many students, including Artugan, favored an aggressive response from administration.

“I think that it’s time to take the fight to the Duck Pond,” argued Carl Roave ’17. “Reduce them now.”

It would appear that campus officials are doing just that. At the community forum, word spread of a covert raid on Barclay Beach in the early hours of Wednesday morning.

The operation reportedly involved Haverford’s elite Squirrel Team 6—a clandestine unit long-rumored to exist within Safety & Security. Witnesses in Barclay Hall reported seeing a convoy of red Toyota Highlanders pull up to the edge of the pond and hearing “dreadful sounds” of a struggle shortly after.

Sources within the administration said that President Kim Benston gave the final go-ahead for the raid after it became clear that there was an “imminent threat” posed by the geese to local duck residents.

Reports of the raid have unsettled some students who are more peacefully-minded.

“I don’t find this to be in line with our values of trust, concern, and mutual respect,” said a first-year. “We should accommodate the needs of the geese and promote interspecies relations as best we can.”

Amy Ohlinson’ 18 accused some in the community of being unfairly prejudiced against the geese.

“We need to acknowledge that our view on geese has been warped by biased media portrayals, thanks to people like Alfred Hitchcock.”

Other students petitioned administrators to engage the geese community in a dialogue.

“We should be making a concerted effort to understand their backgrounds and experiences,” said Christian Montague ’16. “Maybe they’re trying to communicate. At this point we really don’t know.”

Administration reluctantly agreed to temporarily suspend counter-geese operations and instead confront the geese under the Honor Code, agreeing that trust between the geese and Haverford community had been broken.

Representatives of the geese population were unavailable for comment.

 

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