Out with the New, in with the Old: Haverford Selects Weiss’ Successor

The Haverford College Board of Managers has announced a successful conclusion to its efforts to replace outgoing President Dan Weiss. Board Chair Howard Lutnick gave a short statement on the decision:

“The Board considered many applicants for this position, including those originally rejected in 2012. After a long and very productive discussion, however, we have decided to ask Isaac Sharpless to return to the Presidency of Haverford College.”

Widely regarded as the greatest president in Haverford’s history, Sharpless led the school from 1887 to 1917. Upon his deathbed in 1920, the beloved ex-president requested that his corpse be mummified and interred in the crypt below Founders Great Hall.

“Let my body not decay,” he wrote, “so that I may return to this school in its time of greatest need. From the long sleep of death, I will arise more powerful than ever and lead our venerable Haverford to triumph over all of its enemies. Thus shall I work the LORD’s will.”

Upon breaking open the crypt last week, the Board of Managers discovered Sharpless’ remains in good condition, still sitting upright in a tomb of blackest obsidian and guarded by a variety of protective charms. The Board brought the mummy to the surface and intends to install it in the president’s office upon Weiss’ retirement in July.

“Unfortunately, we’re still not sure how to re-awaken Sharpless from his deathly slumber,” Lutnick stated. “The tome containing those instructions was badly damaged in the renovation of the library in the ‘60s. You can rest assured, however, that professors from the religion and biology departments have been working hard to find a solution to this problem, and should have some spells of reanimation prepared shortly.” Until that time, the school will have to contact Sharpless by means of an Ouija board.

“We strongly believe that Isaac Sharpless will lead the school into a new era of prosperity and success,” Lutnick concluded. “Whether fundraising, engaging with students, or bringing thousand-year curses down on rival institutions, the mummified corpse of Isaac Sharpless is truly the best candidate to lead Haverford College forward.”

Current President Daniel Weiss announced his resignation in March after being appointed to head the Metropolitan Museum of Art in New York City. He will continue to serve as president of Haverford until July.

As of press time, both President Weiss and once-and-future President Sharpless were unavailable for comment.

 

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1 Response

  1. Alison M says:

    Brilliant.

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